Love, Life and Puppy Dog Tales

The more I thought about writing this, the more anxious I became.   At one point I convinced myself not to write about it.  Then I thought about how scared it made me, and I realized that's exactly why I have to write. Rape isn't about sex.  Rape is about power and control.  It's about displaying power and taking control.   It's about pain and humiliation.  The affects of sexual assault are long lasting and far reaching.   I know. I was raped. I was high school age.  It was someone I trusted.   I walked away bruised and in shock.   I was humiliated. I questioned myself so many times, trying to figure out how I had gotten myself into that position.  What did I do wrong? The man who assaulted me was someone who was in my life.  Someone I knew I would  come into contact with again and again.  He made it clear he wasn't afraid of me or what I might say.  He was invincible.   It w...

I succeeded.  My hike, the one that I felt defined me, is over and I accomplished what I set out to do.  Way to go ME! I am beginning to see differences with 6 months of bike riding.  It started subtly. Activities that made me feel out of breath quickly, now aren't as difficult as before. Clothes are fitting differently.  I am not at all near 'buy a new wardrobe' but I am at 'those pants that were uncomfortable are now easy to wear'.   My face has changed a bit - it's interesting.  It's something I see every day so it's hard to notice.  One day I looked in the mirror and I noticed the difference. Almost like it had happened overnight.   My legs.  That's a big difference.  I began feeling what they could do differently about 3 months in.  At the same time I began feeling the difference in how they felt when I walked or flexed for some reason.  I couldn't see it.  But the muscle was definitely noticea...

I am afraid. More like terrified.   A part of what all this riding has been about is happening this weekend.  Thinking about it rattles the inside of me.  Just thinking about it has caused an anxiety attack WHILE RIDING MY BIKE (something I don't recommend). Every two years I have to do a 'fitness hike' for my Search and Rescue team.  It involves distance, time, cumulative elevation and a 20 lb pack.  The time element determines what 'level' team you are. The principle behind it is to have some measuring tool to say yes this person is fit enough to be deployed on a search.   I have done this hike many times.  I have always been a level 2 team - meaning I have done the hike in under 3 hours - until 3 years ago.    I have never wanted to be a level 1 team.  That encompasses this hike - but faster, plus additional proficiencies designed to ensure you can search at altitudes above 7000 feet. That has never been a need of min...