Hesitation

Recently after a class I was teaching at a conference, a friend who was in one of the classes that I taught took a moment to ask me a question.

You and Kristi are married, right?

Yes, yes, we are, I replied.

Then why did you refer to her as your 'partner' in the class today?

 I thought for a moment and finally said that for me it seemed to be a comfort level thing.   It depended on the audience.   

She seemed to understand and let it go, but it has since swum around in my head, churning up my thoughts on the matter.

To a degree, I felt as though she had caught me in a lie.  Kristi is my wife.  Why wouldn't I refer to her as such?   As I delved deeper into my thoughts on this, I realized that some things I thought about myself aren't true.

 One:  I am not as comfortable with my sexuality as I thought I was.  Extrinsically anyway.

 Two:  I don't feel as safe in this world as I thought I did.

 The second realization is the reason for the first thought.   

I have been out for a very long time.  I have often said that I haven't hidden my sexuality in many years.  Yet, that isn't exactly true.  All this while, in my head, I felt like I have been being a champion for myself and others who haven't felt safe in coming out.   Yet, I choose when and where to share that about myself.  I wait until I am comfortable with the surroundings, the venue, and the people before I let go and just be me.

Experience has taught me that.   There are people who stop listening to you and begin judging who you are when they realize that you are.... gay.   It is as if the information that you have to share suddenly holds no value or weight anymore because the words came out of a lesbian's mouth.   There are also people who go one step further and take it upon themselves to berate me for my sexuality in the vain attempt that their words will somehow change me.   

This should be on them.  I shouldn't take it personally.  Yet I do.  I feel like, for those people, I must work extra hard to make them believe that I do indeed know what I am talking about.    That my sexuality has no bearing on whether I know what I am talking about.  That I am worthy of their time.  

This feeling goes way back - even to the point where I gave my first (and last) sermon at my church.   That day is burned in my head forever.   I was passionate about the subject I spoke on.  I believed it wholeheartedly, but inside I was screaming - why would these people listen to me, believe me, if they really knew who I was?    It was this very same church that, when they found out I was a lesbian, told me that I had to change who I was if I wanted to be a part of their youth leadership team because they couldn't have people 'like that' around their youth.  So, I left the church.  And never went back.

When confronted with the question about why I wouldn't say wife, but instead say partner I realized something.   When I know that I am about to talk about my wife, there is a hesitation at the moment that that comes up.  I have felt it time and again in many settings.  I can't say if others have noticed it as we are always our own worst critic, but I know I have felt it and sometimes it has seemed like it lasts hours as I decide whether "partner" comes out of my mouth or "wife" does.  Neither word is untrue as a description of my relationship, but one is more defining and, in some cases, more confronting than the other.

When partner comes out, I move on quickly with no additional worry in my head. It is as though that is a safe word.  Depending on the setting, it leaves the listener with 'doubts' as to my meaning - could be working partner, could be business partner, or it could mean significant other.  It leaves it to the listener to decide what it means to them and often they will pick the most innocuous meaning if they need to in order to keep on listening or participating with me.  

When wife comes out, I may continue speaking, but in my head, I am sweating.  I am waiting for the judgment.  I am waiting for the lights to go out and for the interest in the subject material to wane and for me to be asked to leave or for them to just excuse themselves and leave the conversation, topic, or class.   Or worse, I am waiting for the attack.  Either verbal or physical.   The attack that will justify my fear that I never should have said 'wife'. 

I don't know how to fix this.  Now that it is a conscious thought and I have dissected it, I hope it will become less of an issue and 'wife' will roll off my tongue and partner will cease to be a part of my vocabulary unless I am talking about my search partner - my dog.