Love, Life and Puppy Dog Tales

The more I thought about writing this, the more anxious I became.   At one point I convinced myself not to write about it.  Then I thought about how scared it made me, and I realized that's exactly why I have to write. Rape isn't about sex.  Rape is about power and control.  It's about displaying power and taking control.   It's about pain and humiliation.  The affects of sexual assault are long lasting and far reaching.   I know. I was raped. I was high school age.  It was someone I trusted.   I walked away bruised and in shock.   I was humiliated. I questioned myself so many times, trying to figure out how I had gotten myself into that position.  What did I do wrong? The man who assaulted me was someone who was in my life.  Someone I knew I would  come into contact with again and again.  He made it clear he wasn't afraid of me or what I might say.  He was invincible.   It w...

I succeeded.  My hike, the one that I felt defined me, is over and I accomplished what I set out to do.  Way to go ME! I am beginning to see differences with 6 months of bike riding.  It started subtly. Activities that made me feel out of breath quickly, now aren't as difficult as before. Clothes are fitting differently.  I am not at all near 'buy a new wardrobe' but I am at 'those pants that were uncomfortable are now easy to wear'.   My face has changed a bit - it's interesting.  It's something I see every day so it's hard to notice.  One day I looked in the mirror and I noticed the difference. Almost like it had happened overnight.   My legs.  That's a big difference.  I began feeling what they could do differently about 3 months in.  At the same time I began feeling the difference in how they felt when I walked or flexed for some reason.  I couldn't see it.  But the muscle was definitely noticea...

I am afraid. More like terrified.   A part of what all this riding has been about is happening this weekend.  Thinking about it rattles the inside of me.  Just thinking about it has caused an anxiety attack WHILE RIDING MY BIKE (something I don't recommend). Every two years I have to do a 'fitness hike' for my Search and Rescue team.  It involves distance, time, cumulative elevation and a 20 lb pack.  The time element determines what 'level' team you are. The principle behind it is to have some measuring tool to say yes this person is fit enough to be deployed on a search.   I have done this hike many times.  I have always been a level 2 team - meaning I have done the hike in under 3 hours - until 3 years ago.    I have never wanted to be a level 1 team.  That encompasses this hike - but faster, plus additional proficiencies designed to ensure you can search at altitudes above 7000 feet. That has never been a need of min...

It was a brutal punch to the gut.  You committed suicide. I have spent days thinking of you.  Remembering our time working together. I really only knew a small snapshot of you.  In that small space in time that we shared together, I trusted my life in your hands.  I knew you had my back.  I trusted my dogs' lives in your hands.  I knew you had their backs.  I hope you knew I had your back. Your laugh was infectious.  Your humor unmatched. Your commitment was intense. You wanted to do it right and learn all you could to find your niche within the group.  You were one of those pure people.  You did what you did for the simple reason that doing for someone else was the right thing to do. You gave.  You gave time.  You gave knowledge.  You gave empathy. You gave yourself. Did you give too much?  Did you never ask for anything for yourself? I will never know the answer. There will never be an answer...

It started with an Asian gentleman, jogging in khakis. That got me thinking I could do it.  Get out and do it.   So I did.  As I rode, other characters became a part of this journey. Cigar man.   Truth be told, I have never seen him with a cigar.  I only saw a still lit cigar once in the gutter,  and then saw him.  I assumed they belonged together.   Every morning he leaves from his house to go on a walk (perhaps to smoke a cigar?).   Every time he sees me, he always smiles and nods.  I nod back. Min Pin woman.   She has never acknowledged me.   To be sure, she sees me and we make solid eye contact, but never a nod or a word. She walks her Min Pin with purpose and doesn't let anything distract her.  Not even me saying good morning. Mini Dachshund woman (sorry folks... if they're walking a dog, that will be their identity... it's how I operate.)     The Dachshund has a variety of sweaters and...

"Fear is not real.  It is a product of thoughts you create. Do not misunderstand me.  Danger is very real.  But fear is a choice." (Will Smith -as Cypher Raige -After Earth) My first post in August at the beginning of my bike riding journey talked about my fears. Other posts I have created since then have reiterated those fears and identified new ones. It seems as though a new fear has cropped up for me time and again.  I remember being a kid and being seemingly unafraid of anything.  As I grew up, fears started to creep in. With fear comes obstacles.  If I am afraid of doing or experiencing it, I don't try.  I freeze in place. Colonel Chris Hadfield has a phenomenal Ted Talk about fear.  He was an astronaut that flew space shuttle missions to the the International Space Station.   He talked about facing, and overcoming, your fears.  Experiencing them, sometimes over and over again, to get past the fear. ...

13 weeks 57 Rides 412.6 miles All those weeks. All those rides. All those miles. And I almost didn't finish today's ride. I didn't think I could. I wanted to give up. We were on a new trail.  New is my nemesis.  Today was no different. I spent the first couple of miles looking at the new surroundings and being in awe.  I spent the next couple of miles enjoying the ride and the trail. Then I realized that, for the most part, we were going down hill.   You know that saying, what goes up must come down? It works in reverse too. For the next couple of miles I agonized over the idea that I would have to go UP hill to get back to the truck as this was not a loop trail.  I was terrified over the idea that I didn't know where this trail went and how much more of it was down hill,  which translated into so much more up hill to ride back. At one point I was nearly in hysterical tears - what did I get myself into?   I thought a...