What To Say

 

I wrote this in 2013. 10 years ago.  I have come to realize that grief isn't linear, doesn't hold to a timeline, and most certainly doesn't have a script. 

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As much as you don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to say either.

 

I am 45 and now both of my parents are gone.   I lost my father in September of 2007, and my mother last night. Funny they were both 84 when they died.

 

People react differently to people who have lost someone.   You don’t know what to say.  You don’t know how to act.   Reactions vary.     

“I am so sorry”

 “Is there anything I can do?”

They share their own grief story.

“Are you going to be ok?”

“How are you doing?”

And how do I respond to the I am sorry’s and the What can I do’s?  I truly don’t know. I am struck with the need to make you feel better … to make sure you don’t feel bad. 

 

From my perspective, I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know how to act.  I don’t know what is okay to say or how to say it.   Is it ok to cry?  Should I be strong?  Should I not say anything?  Should I just go about my day as if nothing happened?  How much do I share?  What depth and detail do I give? 

 

This is my loss.  It wasn’t unexpected, but it still hurts.   I know that my hurt isn’t the same as someone else’s hurt.  I also wonder if I have a right to feel.    I have been distant for a while.   Do I have the right to be sad now when I wasn’t there… when I didn’t participate?  

 

Whether I have a right to or not… I am feeling.  I am afraid of feeling, but I am feeling.  I am afraid of letting the tears fall because I am afraid of the tears falling.

And falling. 

And falling.

 

I can’t stay focused on it.  On death.  On her death.

 

I have to find something normal to do.  Just for a minute.  Or 10.    Straighten the kitchen.  Zone out on Facebook.  Escape in a movie. Clean my desk.   Ok… me cleaning my desk isn’t normal.   But you get my meaning.  I need something to distract my mind.  But I find that I can’t do things normally – I left the light on in the kitchen when I left this morning.  I signed papers at work that weren’t mine to sign.  Somewhere in my brain is short-circuited.  So I go back to processing.

 

I think that what I am feeling isn’t just the loss of my mother.  It’s also the losses of my past.   When you lose someone today, do you relive what and who you have lost before now too?  That seems to be what is going through my head. 

 

I remember losing my dad.  Funny what I don’t remember about that.  I remember the phone call, vividly.   I remember the family gathering months afterward.  I don’t remember the feelings though.  Was I sad?  How sad was I?

 

I remember losing a friend to suicide.  I remember being horrified at the idea that I had no idea what he had been struggling with for so long.  How did I not know? Not see?    I remember the helplessness.   I remember not knowing what to say to his family...  they were my friends too.

 

I remember losing a coworker in a tragic accident.  I remember the disbelief.  Knowing that it had really happened, yet still expecting to see him.  And I remember not knowing what to say to everyone around me, all of us coping with the weightiness of what had happened.

 

I remember saying goodbye to a friend's mother.  I clearly remember feeling guilty that I felt so connected to this woman, but not to my own mother.   I remember wishing I could make it better, fix it, and keep it from happening.  And I remember not knowing what to say. 

 

I don’t have the answers on what to say.   What I should say.  What you should say.   

 

I just appreciate that you are there.