Friday, October 16, 2015

I deserve it.

I am still going.

I started August 1st. 
I have gone 274 miles.
I have ridden almost 26 hours.
I have climbed over 21000 feet.
I am up to nearly 8 miles every day I ride.
I am trying to ride 5 out of 7 days each week.
My current average speed is about 11.5mph

I am now at the point where each ride feels good.  Even the hard starts, and the awkward moments, and the "well crap, blew that" and have to push the bike up the hill a touch are all ending with 'that felt good' and the next morning I want to ride again.

Now the days I don't ride, I have progressed from thinking "whew, glad I didn't ride" to wishing I could have ridden and truly missing riding that day.

I feel stronger.  My legs have more strength in them. I can stand and put my pants on without leaning on something.  My cardiovascular capabilities are noticeably better.  I can actually run after my dog when he gives me an alert - I am truly at the point where I am choosing not to run when running will kill me because I will fall - daylight, terrain, etc as opposed to not being able to run.  I will say, any serious length and I am still in trouble as far as trying to stay with him.  I am proud, however, of what I am seeing and how I am feeling.

I am still struggling.  

I want so much for things to change for me.  What does that mean?  In this context it means to lose weight.  I am putting out all this effort to make a healthier me.  Doesn't that mean I should be losing weight?  Look at those miles!  Look at that time in the saddle!  

Yet not much has changed.  I started at 245.   I have seen 246.

And not much has changed.  

If I am to be totally honest... that is a very true statement.

Yes I ride.  I ride more each week.  More miles, more time, more distance, more often.  And I am guessing that I feel that should be enough.   Enough to make a difference.  I mean, come on!  I am riding and riding and riding!  Why do I have to change anything else?

I love food.  That's not truly accurate.  I love some foods.  A lot.  

I also have a mind set of "I deserve it".

The morning was hard?  I deserve a snack.

The afternoon was hectic and crazy?  I deserve a snack.
(and yes.. I had breakfast and lunch too!)

What a long day!   I deserve dessert too!

I haven't snacked in a while!  I deserve a snack!

I truly do say that to myself.  A version of it anyway - I have earned it, I deserve it... anything like that.  So I go get my reward.

Now, I am not saying I am eating two dinners, 3 desserts and a whole pizza.   

But I have another soda. (Soda is a sincere addiction for me - but I think that's another topic for another day.  Maybe.)

And take another bite.

And have chips with the Red Bull.

And it adds up. Obviously.

Or at least, it doesn't subtract.      

So when not much has changed, I shouldn't be disappointed.

Yet I am.  I am disappointed in me.

I am not sharing this because I am looking for weight loss advice.  I am not looking for ways to change my mindset. 

I am sharing this for a couple of reasons.

One - I can't be alone in this.  I am certain I am not the only one who feels this way or struggles with this.  So I share to let them know THEY are not alone.

And two... sometimes, sharing the struggle takes the power away from the struggle. Verbalizing it somehow makes it real, but then makes it conquerable.  So I am hoping that by sharing it, it will become less of an issue and something I can overcome.

I will keep going.

I will get back on that bike and ride more.
I will likely have another soda too.

But I will keep going.

My number today is 239.8.

"You have to fully, completely, unapologetically approve of yourself."

I deserve that too.

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