Truth be told, I've cried most months of my life. Something will be emotionally important in some way - like a song, or a movie - and I will cry. It's not always out of sadness. It can easily be from happiness and joy. It's your body's way of letting those emotions spill out and evening out the chemistries in your brain and body.
Last month's tears were tears of disappointment.
I hadn't been riding my bike for a bit. Then we moved and I was even less motivated to ride my bike. Where we've moved to though is flat. Seriously. FLAT. It should have been my dream come true place to ride. I told myself I was settling in. I was putting our house in order. Waiting for the internet. Waiting for the plumber. Waiting for the electricity to come back on after a power pole replacement. Waiting for the internet (it finally happened). Waiting for the plumber - again. Waiting for the furniture delivery people. Waiting for the plumber - again. Waiting for another set of furniture delivery guys. Waiting for the plumber - who finally fixed the issue. Waiting for the painter - to fix the issue caused by the plumber.
I had to be home to wait for these people. So I couldn't plan to ride.
Then I planned a route. I had to make sure not to go into THAT neighborhood - they seem to shoot people a lot there. I didn't want to cross the hugely busy thoroughfare. With some creativity, I came up with a route.
Then I aired up my tires. And dusted the bike off. And lubricated the moving stuff.
And planned to ride.
And then I did. Six weeks after moving here, I rode. It was a nice flat ride and I was even willing to deviate from my planned route to just explore other neighborhoods. I didn't get chased by dogs. I didn't have garbage in the streets to note on Facebook. It was a simple, pleasant 4.25 mile ride.
I put the bike away and planned to ride the next day.
Eight weeks later, I realized, I was never going to ride again.
So I sold my bike.
Yep. Sold it to a UC Davis student who was beyond grateful to now have transportation to school that she could also do road bike rides whenever she wanted to.
Driving home after delivering my bike I cried. I realized the disappointment I predicted could happen back in 2015. I said then that I was afraid I would disappoint when I embarked on this adventure. I was right.
I disappointed myself and I fear there is nothing I can do to make it up to myself.
I hope to find a way.