Friday, August 21, 2015

Comparison and Accountability

Let me share a little secret with you.

I am using you.   

You read that right.  

I am pretty sure at least one person reads what I write here.  Maybe even two.

You are my accountability. 

Having you here makes me want to be honest.  To honestly share the good and the ugly.  I don't promise to have answers for anyone.  I do promise to be honest here however.

I come here to share my emotions, my experiences, my journey.   It is all mine. 

In my mind however, I imagine there's someone out there waiting for me to share one more time.   One more thing. 

And so I come here and give this to you.  Give me to you.  

When I first started riding, I shared with an amazing friend that doing this was hard.  Not just the physical part, but the emotional, mental part.  I was afraid to do this because I couldn't ride as much, as fast or as far as she does and has

I was shaking as I said that to her, shaking the way only a raw emotion makes you shake. The words unsaid, the words I couldn't speak out loud because they were a deeper truth than I could express, were that I didn't believe I ever could. 

Maybe my silence still shared that inner voice with her.

She spoke a simple truth.  

I can't compare myself to her.  Or to anyone else.  

I only have myself to be better than.

It has taken me 3 weeks to hear what she said.

I can only use myself as a measuring tool.  

A month ago  I wasn't doing anything.  3 weeks ago, I road 2.5 miles at an average speed of 9.3mph with an elevation gain of 232 feet - and 3 weeks ago my slowest average speed was 8.9mph.

Today, I rode 5.7 miles at an average speed of 9.6mph with an elevation gain of 524 feet. 

In 3 weeks I have ridden 49 miles.  

My motivation has to be me.  I can't do it to catch up to her.  I have to do it for me.  

And following that logic

All I can compare me to

Is me. 

Today's number is 244.   Maybe I am getting somewhere. 

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