Better Than

"This route is defeating."  
I was talking on my ride this morning.  The route that I do 'regularly' was the subject of the conversation.

As I ride it, it is hard.  At least it is hard for me.  I just get going and then I have to adjust.  I am either riding up a hill or turning down a street.  Sometimes turning down a street and going up a hill.  I have no way to get into a steady pace or rhythm.   At least that's what I said.

And that's partly true.


The bigger truth is that each of those hills makes me want to stop.  It gets so hard to make it up and when I am at the top, I just want to stop.I want to stop because I feel like I should make it up the hill and then just go.  Really go.  Why not?  I am past the thing that was slowing me down.  The road isn't going up any more.  

But I can't just go.  I am spent.  I am unable to make my legs go round and round faster.   It takes me what feels like a long while to finally get moving again, and then I am adjusting to the road again.

"You can't "go"  because you can't "go" ... you just came off a hill."

But other people can.  Other people come off that tiny hill behind me and they can just fly. Fly almost like they hadn't come off a hill at all.


Therein lies my problem.  Once again, I am comparing me to what others can do.    Not comparing me to what I have done and what I can do.

I take it a step further.

I hear myself saying "I will never be able to."

When I step back, however; and really think about it, I have already done the things I have said I can't do.

I pushed my bike up the hills.  Nearly every single one.

Now I ride up them.  The whole way.

I make it further than I thought.  I did over 6 miles today and it didn't feel like I had gone that far at all.  I did 10 miles in one ride last week.

I am going faster than I was.


I didn't get to all of those things in my head on my own.  My wife had to point them out to me.  That's the problem with living in my head.  I can't see the bigger picture.   The bigger picture that shows that I am doing better. 

Not better than she is.

Not better than other riders I know.

Better than I was.

My number this week is 242.