Elysium

The gentle music of the chimes just outside the door is soothing.  It also makes me feel nostalgic.  

Previously, I hated windchimes.  It was senseless noise that my brain always wanted to turn into a melody but never could.  It would cause frustration and make me shut the window or door to try to tune out the noise.

Not now.  Not with this windchime.  A gift given to us in remembrance of Caliber, the random tune it periodically plays is a reminder of Caliber.  Caliber was a talker.  From an early age, she shared her voice and we hoped it would stay a part of her.  She'd make us laugh when she interjected into a conversation, and I suppose that reinforced her desire to share her opinion.  Rarely did her voice rise to a 'yell' - a bark.  It was always a growly, sometimes sing-song type sound.  She'd be laying on the bed, seemingly asleep as we chatted away about our day.  Quietly there'd be a noise that would emanate from her.  She needed her beauty sleep, and we were interrupting it.  Nearing dinner time, she'd start reminding us what we needed to be doing.  Eating fries in the truck in front of her?  Don't forget, she deserved some too, a quiet, but mighty voice spoke from the back seat. The memories go on and on about how Caliber talked to us.

The windchime IS Caliber.

"Caliber certainly has a lot to say," one of us will often utter that phrase on a breezy evening.  "She certainly does" the other will reply.

I frequently talk to the windchime when it plays.  No one else in the house, but I am talking to some metal tubes singing on the porch.  It allows me to connect with her for a moment.  

I have a phone that identifies songs playing nearby.  One afternoon sitting under the windchime, not long after Caliber's life was so tragically cut short, my phone identified a song that it got from whatever melody the windchime was sharing.  Somehow it picked out a song called Elysium by Bear's Den.  It made me curious so I pulled up the song and I remember being captivated by the song in that moment, but the hurt was too raw.  I held onto the song and never listened again, until tonight. Writing this now, I've gone back and listened to the song again, reading the lyrics.  Some that stood out:

"Brother, do you believe in an afterlife  where our souls will both collide in some great Elysium?"

"I only find myself more alone, posing questions to a silent universe, my very thoughts a curse, they just seem to multiply forever in my mind"

"Don't let bitterness become you"

"Just hold out against the night and guard your hope with your life".

I've spent a lot of time being angry at losing Caliber.  

But maybe she spoke once again.

May the breeze keep blowing so I can keep hearing her.