Tuesday, February 10, 2009

An awkward moment

If you know me at all, you know if there is one thing that I am comfortable with, it is my sexuality. I have been an out lesbian for 20 years or more. I have always just been. The fact that I have a partner has never been something I have been ashamed of or hidden.

But....

For the first time in a very long time I had a moment of uncertainty... a lack of feeling safe maybe?


A long time client was in yesterday. She saw my name tag and recognized the last name as the same as someone she worked with. Indeed, it was my partner to whom she referred. She asked if I knew her, saying my partners name and my head matter of factly said, "yes, she is my partner." but my mouth just said "yes". Some how, for some reason I stopped. And I did consciously stop myself. I offered no more. She said, "I work with her. She is nice." I said, "I think so too." and again, left it at that. She looked at me strangely for a moment, but I offered no more information and she left it alone. Perhaps is it was just an instinct. Something that just said "stop there..." and I heeded it. I find myself upset with myself to a degree however because I feel like I let myself down. I have always believed that if someone had a problem with my sexuality, it was indeed their problem. Make this a heterosexual situation and someone saying "hmmm.. I work with Jim with your last name, do you know him?" I would have easily said, "Why yes, he is my husband," and all would have been hunky dory and peachy keen and no one would have had an awkward moment.

Was it simply because it was my work environment? I have never hesitated there before now. Did I sense something about this person in particular? My partner is out at work, and I went through this thought process.... if she knows my partner, then she would know she is gay and if we share the same last name then.... but in the entire exchange, I couldn't say it. It was odd for me....

I have no answers for myself. I just needed to put it out there.


3 comments:

Sheila @ Dr Cason.org said...

What happened when you got home and told your wife?

IIDLYYCKMA said...

Yeah what happened when you got home and relayed this story to your wife? I am sorry you felt the need to hesitate, being married and in love is a beautiful thing. Did this person set off some red flags for you that made you feel unsafe?

T. J. Hand said...

My wife was more interested in who it was that was asking about her than in my discomfort. But she tends to be less comfortable than I about being out, so my discomfort came closer to her level of comfort so she didn't really question my reaction.
The only thing I can think of is that I must have had some instinctual "Do not speak" flag that I couldn't define, but could only heed.